For Mental Health Awareness Month, Lonni chit-chats with her good friend Malik about the importance of taking care of our Mental Health, setting boundaries, and how it's okay to be selfish when it comes to YOU.
For Mental Health Awareness Month, Lonni chit-chats with her good friend Malik about the importance of taking care of our Mental Health, setting boundaries, and how it's okay to be selfish when it comes to YOU.
Follow Malik Dent on Social Media:
Instagram: Malik
LinkedIn: Malik Dent
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Chit Chats with Lonni is mixed and produced by Ann-Catherine Desulme.
The song at the end of the episode is by Uncle Jeff.
Connect with Lonni on Instagram:
Hey, y'all, you're listening to Chit Chats with Lonni, a podcast that was created to unpack some shit while also amplifying Black and brown voices. I'm your host, Jalonni Weaver, and I hope you're ready to chit chat. Hey y'all, welcome to Chit Chats with Lonni. So, today is extra special. I got me a special guest on, a good friend of mine, Malik. If you're here from LinkedIn, you know him as Malik.
Malik:
I'm like, what else would they know me?
Jalonni Weaver:
That's his name, Malik, and we used to do lives together. We stepped back because life got a little crazy, but we're back in the podcast and I'm super excited. Today we're going to talk about mental health. But before we do that, I want to know, Malik, what are you drinking tonight? Because we always got to drink in our hand. So, what are you drinking tonight?
Malik:
Number one, don't put that narrative out there. No, I'm just playing.
Jalonni Weaver:
After hours y'all, after hours.
Malik:
Look, after hours, after hours. I am being classy tonight. I am drinking some red wine.
Jalonni Weaver:
Red wine.
Malik:
Red wine. No, that's different for me because you know I love my Tito's.
Jalonni Weaver:
I know, but I'm drinking Cupcake Red Velvet. That's a red wine. I don't even do red wine, but that's all I have at the house, so I got to do it. But yeah, I'm so happy that you're here and we get to do a chit chat. We talk all the time, but we ain't never done anything like this. So I'm super excited.
Malik:
I know. It's so weird not seeing you.
Jalonni Weaver:
I know. So, the background story on me and Malik, we literally have been following each other on different social media platforms and we just started becoming BFFs in the LinkedIn world. Then I finally met him in Atlanta. I flew to Atlanta to meet this man.
Malik:
I was a great host.
Jalonni Weaver:
Great, y'all.
Malik:
She had everything she needed.
Jalonni Weaver:
Highly recommend. Not him, you can't have him because that's my friend, but I highly recommend a friend like him. So yeah, we've been-
Malik:
Five star rating.
Jalonni Weaver:
Five stars. But yeah, then we've grown over time. I've seen him grow in his work and his personal life, and it's just been amazing. We at one point, were job searching at the same time and that's really how we just grew close and now we're here and we're excelling and we're doing better. So, I just want to ask Malik, how's your mental health doing today? How's it doing?
Malik:
I will just say I am hanging in there. It has been a long ... April's just been a long month. I just think it has just been a long, long month. I feel like today has been a long day, so I think my mental health is surpassing. It's afloat, but it's the end of the week, so I have the weekend to rejuvenate, hopefully. Then hopefully by Monday, Sunday, I'll feel a little different, but I definitely do feel burnt out this week.
Jalonni Weaver:
It's crazy you said that because yesterday it was only Wednesday, and I was like, "Yo, it feels like it's Friday." I have been moving nonstop all week, been doing podcast stuff, work stuff, trying to catch up, because I'm going to be off on Friday and all next week. So, I'm just trying to play catch up and make sure everything is done. I had went to Old Navy to buy some clothes, because I'm going on vacation, and I have no clothes because ... yeah, let's not talk about that. When I tell you, I didn't try on anything at Old Navy and I just was like, "This looks like it's going to fit, and if it doesn't, then I'm just pray about it."
Jalonni Weaver:
I got home at like seven o'clock and I crashed, like went to bed and I was like, "Dang, that's crazy how your body will tell you that you're tired." Regardless of how much you may love your job, how much rest you may get, your body will tell you. So how do you take care of it? What are some things that you do?
Malik:
No, that's that's for real. Yesterday, that was my sense of yesterday. I went to a baseball game, got home and was like, "Oh, I'm going to get up, get in the shower and just get ready for bed." Man, I laid on my bed. I was gone.
Jalonni Weaver:
It like your bed sucks you in.
Malik:
Yeah, like your bed sucks you in. I don't know why people feel working from home and just being at home is a shorter work day or not as intense as physically going into the office. I think I'm just as tired as I was physically going to the office. I used to work very early in the day, as I am just going to my living room. So, I don't know if I'm getting enough rest, but I just think this week in general, I've started working out. I've started eating better. So, this week has just been ... maybe I'm in a muggy mood because I can't go and get Chick-fil-A and I can't go to my favorite restaurant. So, maybe that might be why I'm also irritable as well too. But this glass of wine is definitely something I needed. So, I'm glad you told me to drink this.
Jalonni Weaver:
No and it's crazy, I want to touch on that working from home and how people were so excited to work from home, but we don't realize that we actually do ... I feel like we do more work than we do when we were at the office because you're from home, so you basically can set ... especially if you're salary, you can set your hours and at least in the office, you're like, "Okay, people are leaving. Let me go ahead and head out with them. It's getting a little late." Or at least me as a female, I'm like, "I don't want to be walking to my car late at night." Whereas you're at home, you can be on the couch watching Family Feud with your laptop in your lap, doing something. I know me, sometimes I catch myself sourcing at night and I'm like, "Girl, what are you doing? Just chill." So how do you disconnect? That's what I'm struggling with.
Malik:
I think for me, I struggle with the same things you struggle with, except I'm the opposite. I'll hop on early. Because I'm really big on if I'm not at work or once I leave the house and I start doing ... I think maybe that's what would be good for you is once I leave the house and do something else and get out of the space of work, then I start to disconnect and I try not to bother any emails or listen to any concerns. I think for me, because I work in a different time zone, it's easy for me to disconnect and be like, "Hey, I'm off. It's my 5:30 already. Sorry, it's still three o'clock over there, but I got to go." So, that's what I do.
Malik:
I think if the building's not on fire and no one's a rampage, or nothing's ... If it's something that's hot off the press and I need to handle it immediately, of course I'm going to jump in and go above and beyond. However, if it's something that can be pushed off to tomorrow and I think the environments we work in now are cool with things. If it pops up on a Friday, not handling it or picking back up to it on a Monday, I think me and you both come from environments or working in settings before, where time was of the essence. I know working in retail, time was of the essence. So, there was no wait till the next day you either do it now or you ain't going to have time.
Jalonni Weaver:
Exactly.
Malik:
Or you're going to have time, in a couple more minutes or a couple more hours. I know you came from a different background, working in retail, not retail, but working in the airline industry and then also in the food industry, that's fast paced.
Jalonni Weaver:
Man.
Malik:
So it's like, you ain't really ... the little bit of admin time you do get to get things done, you have to like take advantage of it. So, I think now it's just me finding the balance of understanding, "Hey Malik, you're not in the same environment anymore." Not saying you don't have to put your 100% effort for, but if you say, "I might be late," or, "I'm overwhelmed this week," or, "Hey, can we push this back?" People won't be mad.
Jalonni Weaver:
Yeah and that's crazy. I feel like we're always in a go mode, especially when you said I worked in the airline industry and I'm used to just you get maybe 15 minutes of a break and then now you got to go to your next flight and you got to turn that flight within 35, 45 minutes. That's paperwork, load the plane with the passengers. If things go wrong, now you got to troubleshoot. And it's different now being in a corporate environment where yes, time is of the essence, but it's a different type of time. It's like, they want you to log out at 5:00 but you know, "Okay, my work's going to be there tomorrow." But at the same time, it's like, "Okay, I got the work that I didn't finish on top of the work that I need to do."
Jalonni Weaver:
And so I think just trying to balance that, okay, if it's not done, it will get done eventually. You can't do anything. Then especially me, I try and stay on top of my candidates, because I'm a recruiter. So, I'm trying to make sure I got my emails out because I never want somebody to feel like they're ghosted. If I'm rejecting somebody, I want to make sure I get that out by the end of the week. So, I think when it starts getting further in the week, it's like, "Oh gosh," the time clock is ticking because we got stuff that we need to get done. And if it doesn't get done, we're going to be thinking about it during the weekend, like, "Dang." On Monday, I got to clock in and I got to do everything I didn't do last week.
Malik:
First of all, you just blew me talking about, I'm a recruiter. I think everyone knows that Jalonni's a recruiter. No need to let us know.
Jalonni Weaver:
I know, but you know, there's new people here.
Malik:
No, I'm just playing.
Jalonni Weaver:
So the new people, so they don't be like, "Okay, and?"
Malik:
What do they do?
Jalonni Weaver:
What do they do? What do you do, Malik?
Malik:
I don't even tell them what I do.
Jalonni Weaver:
Let's unpack that.
Malik:
They're probably like, "What does he do?" He just said he worked in retail, he worked his butt off and now he works somewhere else and he switches things off until Monday. No, I am an HR business partner for a tech company. So, I basically support managers through different HR functions or different HR ... I actually today was like, "You know what? I'll need to figure out what's the HR flavor of the month." So, different HR flavors of the month. So, I'm sure if you are an employee at a company, you know right now we are going through Merit, so I'll help your managers figure out Merit, I help your managers figure out performance management, help your managers, coach, train, develop you in the back end. So, kind of like a mini consultant in a way is, what I described it as today, what, two or three times.
Malik:
So yeah, I think I'm finally starting getting to the groove of my role and getting to the groove of what I do and yeah, I love it. So, me and Jalonni would both be considered under the HR function. So, at my company we'll be in the same organization, like org. So, she would be just a part of the recruiting side and I would be a part of the people, business partner side. So, we almost are like work besties too.
Jalonni Weaver:
We really are.
Malik:
We the same thing, but not the same thing. She helps keep me employed because if she doesn't bring on new people, then managers don't have more people to manage and help develop. And then I don't have people to help them develop. So thank you, Jalonni, for people like you keeping me employed.
Jalonni Weaver:
My pleasure.
Malik:
We appreciate it.
Jalonni Weaver:
We love y'all, I know I be messaging my HR business partner. I know she'd be tired of me, but she's great. She helps me. I be trying to deal with stuff and I'd be like, "How do you go about this?" Y'all are like the handbook, like to make sure that we doing things right. Shout out to y'all.
Malik:
We appreciate it.
Jalonni Weaver:
But back on topic.
Malik:
Back on topic now.
Jalonni Weaver:
Since we were talking about mental health, how do you take care of it? So after a long day, how do you unwind besides we have our wine with us, that's one form, but how do you unwind? We can take it back to wind down Wednesdays. What is your go to?
Malik:
I listen to Take Care by Drake. No, look, period. No, I do not ... well, I do listen to music, but I listened to music throughout the day. It was actually funny, I was hanging with my grandmother two weeks ago in Florida, and I literally got my music taste for work music from her. She listens to jazz while she works, and so do I, just some random fact, but anyways, how I decompress after work is, I'm very being on just needing a moment back to myself, because I think the line of work that myself and Jalonni both do, we're in a sense, I don't want to say people pleasers, but we deal with people pretty much all day. So, I just need a moment to myself to take a step back, not talk, not bother anybody, just have some leisure time.
Malik:
So, I'm very big on YouTube. So, I'll get up from my desk, go lay on my bed for a second and browse YouTube for like 30 minutes. I'll watch a video of a guy, or a channel of somebody cleaning a car, or I'll watch a car review, or I'll watch some reality TV garbage. It just depends on I want to see for a second. I'll watch Mimi, one of her old clips of her, going in on a housewife, classic stuff. Then that's how I'll decompress. If I'm not doing something like that, I'll go outside, get some fresh air, go out with friends for a drink or something, for happy hour after work.
Malik:
I try my best not to run errands after work. I think that is my least favorite thing to do. When I get off work, I just want to do things that benefit me. So, I try to leave my errands for the weekends and the daytime, or if I take a lunch for work, I'll run errands then. I just really do not like running errands after work. So, that's something I will not be doing after work. But yeah, those are some of the things I do. Just relax. I'm pretty simple, like a nice shower after work, to just wash the day off of me and just relax, is all things that kind of promote my mental wellbeing, leaving a long day.
Jalonni Weaver:
I love that. We are total opposites, because I swear, I'm like 70 years old. Because after work I will either watch Family Feud and then 25 Words Or Less because that is my show, or those are my shows or, and don't laugh at me when I say this, I will go to Costcos and just walk around. You ever just been to Costcos and just don't need anything, and when they had them samples before the pandemic?
Malik:
You want to know if they're giving [inaudible 00:14:42] free sample. See, I knew it. You have been looking for them samples. You are not six anymore, okay?
Jalonni Weaver:
I don't care what age I am. One thing about me, I'm going to get me a sample. Like what?
Malik:
I'm done.
Jalonni Weaver:
I'll go back for a second one and be like, "I just wanted to retaste it to make sure I want to buy this item." Like, no, but it's super relaxing.
Malik:
And walk out with nothing.
Jalonni Weaver:
I just need these paper towels. No, and it's just relaxing to me. And kind of like you said, just getting away from your area, that's me getting out of the house. So, I'll go work out sometimes. But I usually do that in the morning time, or I'll just go to a store and just walk around, people watch. That's my favorite thing. Or, have you ever done this Malik, sat in your car? I'll pull up to my house, sit in my driveway and play music and just let the car-
Malik:
Vibe. That's something great to do in the summertime when the weather's good. Sometimes you just don't want to go back in the house and you just sit in the car, let the music just shuffle through, vibes.
Jalonni Weaver:
I've ate my food in the car. Man, just sat there and just watch people walk down the street and just probably take care on, no joke. It's the best vibe. If you've never done that, I highly recommend as long as like you're not in Texas, because it'd be hot here, but it's a really good thing to do.
Jalonni Weaver:
So, I know we talked about this before, but how did you learn to take control of your mental health? Because I know so many people, they don't think of mental health as that priority. They don't treat it like physical health. They treat it like, "Oh, I'm good." And we're so big on always saying, "I'm good. I'm cool. Everything's all right." And it's like, "No, everything's not all right. It's okay to express how you feel." So, especially I feel like in our community and then I know for a lot of brothers, they don't like sharing how they feel. They don't know how to share how they feel. So, how did you like learn how to take care of your mental health? Did you go to therapy, or how did you get in tune with yourself?
Malik:
Yes, I think for me, like you said, mental health became such a heightened topic, I really feel like during the pandemic, because everybody was going through so many different things. I mean it was talked about before, but I think we had time to literally sit in our thoughts, sit in what was going on in the world and really take mental health into just a full capacity. And actually that was the first time, I feel like my parents ever asked, "Are you okay?" Or, "How are you dealing with something mentally?" Or just different things like that, outside of like a family death, or outside of just things going on in that regards. But I remember my dad checking in on me because I was in the pandemic by myself.
Malik:
And he was like, "How you feeling? You got BLM going on. You got the world going on," and just different things like that. So, definitely think my mental health, I started to pay more attention to it and understanding a little bit better during that time. However, I had already previously been to therapy during college. So, I had some rough moments back in college and made some decisions that I wasn't so proud of. So I was like, "Let me figure out how to fix this and channel this emotion elsewhere."
Malik:
So, was in college, found one of those therapists that were on the campus, who was provided through the school. And she just walked me through just a journey of doing literally a 180. So I feel like I became like a new person. I feel like I was able to really in touch and dive into who I wanted to be as a person, be as a friend, a brother, a son, a boyfriend, just different things in general. So, I really will never not have anything positive to say about her, or anything negative to say about that timeframe in my life. It was something that I went through, learned from it, and now I'm here to tell that testimony and tell that story and just the space of promoting mental health. And I think in general, like you said, people don't talk about it as much, especially like you said, in the Black community. We're taught as kids to like be strong, don't cry, figure it out, push through. And it's like, how much pushing through I got to do?
Jalonni Weaver:
[inaudible 00:19:08].
Malik:
When can I let some emotion out with this pushing through? Yeah, I play in sports. Yeah, I go kickboxing and stuff like that, but it's okay to let out a tear, or let out a yell, or a cry for help. It's okay to need help mentally. It's okay to need to depend on a third party to walk you through or give you a different outlook on certain things you're going through in life. I'm so, so, so glad that it's being talked about across platforms, whether it's on TV, whether it's on YouTube, whether it's on podcasts, whether it's what we're doing right now. I know we've talked about this on LinkedIn, on Instagram, on many different platforms where we've provided this space for people to like continue to know about mental health. I think that's the important piece behind it, of keeping the conversation going, because just because I'm good today and I'm feeling okay because I got my Oliver wine, don't mean last week or in two weeks, I'll be feeling the same way. So, I might need help. I might need to call Jalonni, I might need to schedule another therapy session, it's okay to just know that those moments happen and we're human and they're going to continue to happen.
Jalonni Weaver:
Yeah, no, I love that. You never know what somebody's going through. I think people think a lot of us, we walk around with a smile on our face or we put things on social media because we feel the need to, and feel the need to share things that, let's be honest, nobody really cares about what we're doing, what status you are. But I think we're always trying to compete and we see that people are good or people only show what they want to share. I think you never know what somebody's going through because they're not going to share their worst days. They're not going to share that something happened. They're not going to share that they didn't make rent. They're not going to share those things. They only want you to see the glamorized side of things.
Jalonni Weaver:
I think people like us that are willing to be vulnerable and transparent, not every day is a good day. There's days where sometimes I cry, don't know why I'm crying, but I cry because I don't know how else to, I guess, express my emotions. And that's something that I'm learning is ... or I'm learning how to feel. I don't know if you've ever had to learn that, but learning how to really feel and take in what's going on. I know me, I like to stay busy. So, in order to avoid feeling that, because once you sit down and have to come to terms with it, that's hard. I have to slow down and now I have to really think about what's going on, or how I'm going to deal with this situation where it's like, if you're going, going, going, that's in the back of your head.
Jalonni Weaver:
So, I think the first step is just addressing that you have ... I wouldn't even say a problem, but you just need help because we all need help at some point, regardless if it's financial help, mental help, physical help, we all need some type of help. So, I think just that first step of saying, "Hey, I need some help in getting that therapy appointment." Finding the right therapist, I don't know how you found your therapist, but I literally was on Google looking for Black therapists and shout out to psychologytoday.com because they have therapists on there of all races, nationalities. And so how did you find your therapist?
Malik:
That's a great tip. They do normally have some great options. This is me being semi-HR and saying that I went through the health benefits. So, I just went through the health benefits, looked at therapists that were close by and then found somebody that was truly in my network. I've had moments or past issues with deductibles and therapists not being compatible with the insurance that I had. So, I just wanted to make sure this time around that I had somebody who truly worked on my insurance and that I wasn't spending extra money or wasting money and I was truly using my benefits. So, that's another way that you can go. Jalonni's way works as well, or my way works. But the best way is to just make sure you get it handled and get to talking to somebody if you truly need that help.
Jalonni Weaver:
And yes, tap in, trust me, I'm not paying out of pocket for this. So, I went that way too. We love benefits
Malik:
We paying for it anyway. So, we needs to get all of our benefits.
Jalonni Weaver:
Exactly. And then earlier, I remember you saying how we grew up in a household and how especially in the Black household, I know that my family, we really didn't talk about mental health like that. We were the family that, I grew up with two military parents, and so they were real stern. I feel like they were emotionless, especially my dad. My dad, I love him to death, but he was one of those dads that's like, "Suck it up. We don't cry. What are you crying for? Suck it ... " like that type of thing. I'm like, "I am a female. I'm supposed to have emotions."
Malik:
Cut me a break.
Jalonni Weaver:
But the same time, let me cry. I think that hurt me when I got older, because like I said, I'm now learning how to feel and I'm learning my emotions and it's okay to be emotional. So, how did your family, did they really talk about mental health or how did you grow up?
Malik:
Yeah, I don't think mental health or different conversations as such was heavily talked about. I can think back, my great-grandmother or my great-grandfather, never smiled. So, every picture was my flat face, RB face, nothing else or nothing going on. I know they went through a lot, coming from the South, lack of education and just different things like that. So, they pushed through everything. So, then if that's how they interact with one another and that's how they raise their kids, then their kids raise my parents, and my cousins and different things the same way. So, things are not really talked about. Things are brushed under the rug and things were just secretive, I would say. I think that's the way in a lot of Black families until things hit the fan and then you have to kind of address them, is when people start finally talking.
Malik:
So, I grew up the same way. Like you fall down, you don't cry or figure it out. I do feel as though my parents broke the wave a little bit and allowed us the opportunity to talk and voice our opinions. I remember my dad would give me the option on, "Do you want a whooping or do you want to go on punishment?" Or, "Let's talk about what happened. Why did you disobey the teacher?" Or, "Why did you talk out of turn at school?" Or different things like that. So, he provided us the space a little bit to have an opinion and have a voice and be able to talk through different things, but not that much.
Malik:
So, I definitely agree with their way or the highway. They're the adult. I think that still follows me now where I'm still very respectful of my elders and I'm very conscious of, what I say and how I say it to people who are of authority in general. So, it's a good thing and a bad thing. I think it's a good thing in regards to respecting elders. I think that's across the board, should always be something that every person within their 20s should do. However, it also creates a bad upbringing, or not a upbringing, but a bad conscious of not being able to want to share things and not feeling comfortable sharing things, or having an open dialogue about certain things going on in your personal life or with others.
Jalonni Weaver:
Man, I feel that. I feel like we are traumatized at a young age. I know I was taught not to ask questions because that's being disrespectful. So, that would shut you down, stay in a child's place. I know we've all heard that.
Malik:
Yeah, that's the one right there.
Jalonni Weaver:
That was the one.
Malik:
[inaudible 00:27:04] stay in the kid place.
Jalonni Weaver:
This is grown vote.
Malik:
This is an adult conversation [inaudible 00:27:09]. I remember my mom used to spell words out, thinking that we didn't know what they were like. We know what she ...
Jalonni Weaver:
That's bringing back flashbacks, I don't want to talk about that no more. Man, yeah. I think now that I think about it, when I was younger, it's like we were kids. We're supposed to ask questions, right? We don't know and I feel like that's us being curious, but in especially the black household, it's back-talking. It's, "Why are you raising your voice?" And it's like, "Yo, I'm just asking what we eating for dinner." That's it.
Malik:
I'm hungry,
Jalonni Weaver:
Right, like dang.
Malik:
[inaudible 00:27:53] say I don't want leftovers.
Jalonni Weaver:
Can we get pizza? But no, I think that since we are older, it's like, we have to course correct or correct ourselves. Like I'm grown, I am 26 years old. I'm not being disrespectful and I hate to go into the workplace and how we feel about that. I feel like that goes into the tones that we hold. It's like when we're in a workplace environment and we're very conscious, I guess, of what we say in meetings and how we say it, the tones, because we don't want it to be perceived as disrespectful or the microaggressions. I feel like it goes so far.
Malik:
Code switching.
Jalonni Weaver:
Code switching.
Malik:
I just told somebody today, I was like, "I'm not ... " It's me and I think at the end of the day, I think like you said, you just got to add your own flavor to who you are. Of course we can be professional. Of course we can abide by the rules and abide to the company standards. However, I personally don't have a big vocabulary and I don't think I'm going to get one in the next 20 minutes or 20 days. So with that being said, I'm going to work everything down to standards that I understand and standards that you also can understand as well too.
Malik:
If I hear a word that I don't know the definition to, I'm going to look it up, but however I communicate, as long as I get my job done and I'm effective in the way I do my job, there should be no issue or no reason of my communication style versus your communication style. We just happen to have different backgrounds and communicate differently. Like you said, I'm not being disrespectful.
Jalonni Weaver:
Yeah. Oh yeah, code switching, that's a thing.
Malik:
No look, that's another ...
Jalonni Weaver:
That's a part two, Malik. We can't even go into that because we going to forget about-
Malik:
[inaudible 00:29:45].
Jalonni Weaver:
... mental health and start being like, "You know-"
Malik:
That's a part of mental health though, because why I got to code switch?
Jalonni Weaver:
Oh gosh. I don't even do it. Like you said, it's draining. That's draining and I know we're still in the workplace topic, but changing yourself every time you enter a meeting, but they say bring your full self to work, but we're not going to touch on that today. But if I got to change who I am.
Malik:
And you do that though, you bring your full self to work.
Jalonni Weaver:
I sure do.
Malik:
I have not seen you budge or change on who you are on LinkedIn. I know from my personal conversations, you have not changed. So, I definitely agree with bring yourself to work because you are a true person who does that.
Jalonni Weaver:
I mean, they ask me to do that, so that's what I do. And employers, if you're listening, if you ask your employees to bring their full self to work, do not only take power to them, take their full self. Yeah, let's just leave that at that. But back to the mental health topic.
Jalonni Weaver:
So, I know a lot of us are afraid to seek that mental health because it's to sign a weakness. I know my faith is strong and I know you've talked about your faith in God, and I know a lot of us, we go to ... I go to church, God got me. Yes, God has you. I know that's what my grandma does. I'll talk to her about the problem and she'll, "Just pray about it, honey." I'm like, "Gosh, I need more girl, I need more."
Malik:
I need something to happen right now. Right, right now. Like actually yesterday.
Jalonni Weaver:
I don't think my call's making it. I think they hidden a certain stop and they just not making it because I need something to give. So, I think the most high put therapists on this planet to help. I think eventually we just have to put our pride aside. Not saying God can't hear everything, but at the same time, it's like we have to go to medical professionals, as much as we may not want to, that's what they're here for. I'm not taking, take every drug out there that they give you. That's not what I'm saying, to check yourself into something or ... If that's what you need do it. But sometimes you just need somebody to talk to because you can't talk to people how you want to because I know trust is a big thing for me and opening up to you or opening up to someone, is really hard for me. I have to gain your trust. So, I think that goes back to just taking your first step in acknowledging that you need help and don't take help as something bad. A lot of people look at the word help and they're like, "Dang, something's wrong with me." Like no, you genuinely just need someone to talk to. So, I know I just went on a little rant right there, but there's resources out there.
Malik:
A good rang.
Jalonni Weaver:
I know, feel free to jump in. I just want to say at the end of the day, this is all going to go back to, do what makes you happy and do what is good for your mental, set those boundaries. I know I've gotten great at setting boundaries.
Malik:
Yeah, boundaries, boundaries. I'm glad you mentioned that, you have been ... I wake up and I get on LinkedIn and I see your ... Like your post today, what did it say? Whatever it said, all I can do is laugh. I was like, this is a great start to my day because this is the prime example of boundaries.
Jalonni Weaver:
Yes, people. My God, can we talk about that?
Malik:
Here you go.
Jalonni Weaver:
Unpack boundaries. No, no, because we've had conversations about this before. That's the thing it's but we just be talking. And so I'm like, okay me and Malik, when we was doing our LinkedIn lives, people thought we was just the gurus for life and friends, friends, friends, we love y'all. We do, we really do, but we got to set boundaries and we are human. I know I'm human. Malik, are you human?
Malik:
Yeah, I'm not from ... Where are they from on Men In Black? I don't even know. I'm not from there.
Jalonni Weaver:
We can't do anything. We can't solve everything. We're just two people out here trying to make it. The point of the podcast. We just trying to figure out at the end of the day. So just a kind reminder, just think before you reach out.
Malik:
Cut my friend some slack. Cut my friend some slack, she got a lot going on. Me on the other hand, if you have not noticed on LinkedIn, I've really taken a step back. I'm trying to just figure out what I want to do personally, Malik as Malik. So, I've just taken a step back. I get on there, I like, I say congratulations and different things like that, but y'all can go hit message a lot and she got y'all back. She got y'all covered right now. [inaudible 00:34:38].
Jalonni Weaver:
Malik, going to get y'all ignored. But how do you set boundaries? And that's besides LinkedIn, we just going to knock LinkedIn off the table, but in general, in life?
Malik:
In life, yeah.
Jalonni Weaver:
Because people, I think they only think they can set boundaries just in the workplace or on social media. But how do you do that in real life time and then with yourself?
Malik:
Yeah. So I think for me right now, I've been setting boundaries on ... I feel like when I first got to Atlanta, so just for y'all who have not met me prior to on our LinkedIn lives, I just moved to Atlanta in July. So, I have not even made a year yet and I just feel as though I had to set some boundaries. I was just enjoying Atlanta, Atlanta's a fun city. You have a lot to do here. However, Atlanta can be costly. So, I had to just set some boundaries on, "Hey Malik, you can't go out every single weekend." Or, "Hey Malik, you can't go out and travel and go to work and do all these type of things every single weekend."
Malik:
So, I've had to like set boundaries on like, "Hey, you're only going to go out these days," or, "Hey Malik, you get one trip a month." You can set boundaries in just different aspects of like, "Hey Malik, you're not going to have a glass of wine unless it's Thursday through through Saturday," or just little things like that. Those are all small boundaries that get you to a bigger goal. So, I think setting boundaries or small hurdles, or just small things that can help you get to the bigger goal is important. So, Jalonni's boundary is, "I can't respond to everybody's messages on LinkedIn or I can't get to everything." If she responds to everybody messages on LinkedIn, then you probably wouldn't get the podcast. So, it's give or take for everything. I'm sure people are enjoying the podcast as they've been downloading it, but you have to set different boundaries in different spaces so you can continue to get other things done in life.
Malik:
I think that's the piece that people have to understand and that's the piece that friends and family have to understand too because once they understand that too, then they'll be like, "Okay, this person's in their winning season. They're trying to get to other ... elevate and get to different places. I can't be upset that I can't see my significant other seven times a week. I only can see them two or three because they have goals and they have things and boundaries set that they're trying to get things done." So, it's all about checks and balances. If any of that makes sense, which I think it did.
Jalonni Weaver:
It did friend, it did. Man, setting boundaries with friends and family. I feel like setting that boundary with the people that usually have access to you and then see who starts acting funny as soon as you put up that boundary. You'll see who really supports you. I'm learning to say, "I'm in the no season."
Malik:
[inaudible 00:37:14] play type stuff over there.
Jalonni Weaver:
You know what I'm saying?
Malik:
You out there speaking words, say it one more time for the people. You know, Tyler Perry.
Jalonni Weaver:
Once you set up boundary with those loved ones, you'll see who's really for you. What season are we in Malik? We're in the no season.
Malik:
We say November.
Jalonni Weaver:
And what are we? We're in may. So, I'm going to say that's probably the best ... That's going to be my word this year and so on is no. And we often feel bad for saying no. And it's like, why do I feel guilty just saying no? And no is a complete sentence. You know that, right? Like, no, period.
Malik:
Period.
Jalonni Weaver:
You don't deserve an explanation. I don't need to give an explanation. I said no, that's all that matters. Let's move forward, or you can move aside. So I don't know, that's another topic I'm passionate about. But have you said no lately? Is there something that somebody has asked you to do, or that you usually do, or that you've somewhat felt obligated about it and you was just like, "Nah, not today." Has that happened?
Malik:
I mean, I had to say no. Last week I went home for just a visit and surprised my mom for her birthday, which was great. I had to say no a lot last week, my body was shutting down and telling me, "Stay in the house, rest up. You're not feeling well," but I had to tell myself no. And then also tell my friends no, which was very hard being back in my hometown and not being able to do a lot or see people. But sometimes life or health will just humble you. I mean, I didn't have COVID or anything like that, but I was just under the weather and I was just like, of all times for you to be under the weather, one, I can't eat any good food in Chicago. So, that's already making me mad because Chicago has some great food. And then two, I can't see my friends or family because I'm just not up for it.
Malik:
So, sometimes it might not even just be me saying no to an event or a birthday party. It might be me saying no to myself and being like, "Hey Malik, you need to sit down for a second because traveling and different things like that could bring out just different feelings in your body, especially with a semi-germophobe, with germs and stuff and different things like that around." So I think I told myself no recently. What about you?
Jalonni Weaver:
Yeah, just in general, I stopped doing photography for a minute.
Malik:
Oh, that you did.
Jalonni Weaver:
And I had to say no to money this weekend or last weekend.
Malik:
That's a hard one.
Jalonni Weaver:
We love money, but I think that I like my peace and I like my sanity and people been really just acting not to my liking. They've been really just frustrating me, and I know when I start getting frustrated, I'm not going to put my all into things. So, I've had to say no. I've said no to answering messages on LinkedIn, to being available. Yesterday, I was supposed to call someone and I was like, "Hey, I was about to apologize. Sorry, I can't call you. Or we can't have our conversation." I was like, "Why am I saying sorry for being tired?" I'm pretty sure they get tired too. And I had to get over not feeling guilty about saying no, or just shutting down. I know you're good at this. Putting our phones on, do not disturb. That's probably the best feature that Apple has ever created, is putting those notifications silence and just having peace and just being able to take care of yourself without no distractions. And so, yeah, I've been in the no season and and I will continue to be in the no season until further notice.
Malik:
It's the further notice for me.
Jalonni Weaver:
Oh my gosh.
Malik:
I'm not mad at it. I mean, you deserve ... I think everybody deserves a second to just chill out and just worry about themselves for a second. So, I think there's nothing wrong with being not ... You're not even being selfish. You're just taking time for yourself because I mean, I can only imagine every weekend having a plan where you have to literally go shoot and do something for like four to five hours out of your day. That's tiring and then you still have work and then you have a brand to maintain on LinkedIn. You're an influencer, so I know you don't like that.
Jalonni Weaver:
I hate that.
Malik:
That's why I said it, but that's a job in itself. You have to post. You can't not post, so I don't have to post, but you do. So, that's already a job in itself.
Jalonni Weaver:
Yeah and that's where it gets hard. I think we're on go mode for five days during the week. And it's like, okay, at least the weekend, I want to rest. I'm trying to do this thing where on Friday afternoons when I clock out, I rest, I take that time to myself. That's me time up until Saturday. So, I consider it the Sabbath and just rest. Don't spend money, try not to be on social media as much as I can, try to just step away from that and just have that day of rest because I know if I don't rest, I'm not going to be good on Monday. My manager asked me, I think it was two weeks ago, we had just came off of the weekend and we had a meeting and she was like, "What'd you do this weekend?" Malik, I could not remember what I did, and I was like ... It was genuine. It was real, I was like, "Damn, what did I do?"
Jalonni Weaver:
And she was like, "You don't remember what you did." I was like, "I don't." It flew by. And it's like the fact that I had two days off and I cannot remember what I did and y'all know I wasn't intoxicated. I could not remember what I did and that was the breaking point of like, "Oh my gosh, I need to take time to myself." So I'm trying to do that after this weekend. I do whatever I need to do this weekend. Starting in May, I really want to start just taking time to myself, cut everybody off for a day or two and just really do some self-care. I think that's great and I think a lot of people think self-care is just spending money, or going on a trip or this and the other. And self-care can simply be you just clocking out of just ... I say life, in a way. And just chilling on the couch. That's self-care, doing something that you want to do.
Malik:
Doing things that you want to do, yeah.
Jalonni Weaver:
We're in sync today.
Malik:
We in sync, yeah. Doing things you want do. Self-care can be so many different things. Going on a walk, a massage, doing a facial in your own bathroom, cutting your own hair. Anything that you enjoy doing is a part of self-care. Like you said, a part of your self-care is going to Costco. A part of my self-care is watching people clean dirty cars on YouTube. These are things that we enjoy doing, that help us relax our brain, or relax our mind and not think about other things going on. So, figure out what you all, as the viewers or audience, what your different tactics are to self-care. I think hone in on that, because that'll get you very, very far in your mental health journey, for sure.
Jalonni Weaver:
Yeah. I love that and that's what we're going to end with. We're going to end with what do you consider self-care and do that? I know usually the episodes get released on Wednesday, so today's Wednesday and-
Malik:
Wow, it's over already? Wow, this was so great. I thought was getting a hour with you.
Jalonni Weaver:
Y'all, this is only part one. We got a lot of good topics, I feel like.
Malik:
[inaudible 00:45:09].
Jalonni Weaver:
So we going to hit y'all with a part two.
Malik:
Yeah, she can't get rid of me. As much as she, she want to do it by herself, she need me. She need me, y'all.
Jalonni Weaver:
I know. This is like, we going to give y'all ...
Malik:
It's nostalgic. It's nostalgic.
Jalonni Weaver:
I know and we going to give y'all ... We do take cares on LinkedIn and we going to give y'all something like that. We can't say take care, but we going to give y'all a little version of the take care, but today was strictly mental health. But I know me and Malik, we have so many ideas. I feel like, and I want to incorporate him on these because we've been through a lot. I feel like I've known him for like 10 years and we have so many good things we want to talk about. So, you guys get used to him because he's going to be on the show often but-
Malik:
But let's talk about that because it's so funny how she was so against doing a podcast, look at her now, doing a podcast.
Jalonni Weaver:
I know and I'm by myself. I want to see what you do great, because I know you have some things up your sleeve and I'm just here cheering in the background while you living your best life. He's he is literally like Diego the Explorer, this man. Don't know how to sit down.
Malik:
Yeah, yeah. Out of town again next week, look.
Jalonni Weaver:
See, look. Yeah, I'm trying to be like him when I grow up.
Malik:
It just happens. I don't know why she's not ... You know what? We're not going to talk about it, why you don't travel that much because you should be the main person traveling.
Jalonni Weaver:
I'm going out of town. I'm going out of town.
Malik:
I hope so.
Jalonni Weaver:
This week.
Malik:
Oh great.
Jalonni Weaver:
But yes. Sorry y'all, we got sidetracked, this happened, but we're going to end ... Is there anything you want to end with? My thing was figure out what self-care means to you and do it. Do you have any motivation from Malik?
Malik:
Motivation from Malik, I like that. I think that's my same sentiment, same vibe as well. Do what makes you happy. Find things that make you happy and stick with those things that make you happy.
Jalonni Weaver:
That's the word, y'all
Malik:
Oh, I'm going to be able to put that on LinkedIn tomorrow. What did I say? Let me type it down there.
Jalonni Weaver:
Bye, no. No, but thank you again, Malik, for doing this with me. I know this was last minute because you know I don't ever plan things, but thank you for hopping in this with me and just having this chit chat with me. To everyone listening, thank you for listening. Make sure to rate, subscribe, review. Also, please feel free to share with your network because we want to grow our community. We love to grow our community and yeah, until next time, we'll chit chat soon.
Malik:
Support my girl.
Jalonni Weaver:
Love you. And music today is by Uncle Jeff. (singing)